You Can’t Keep Giving What You Haven’t Got

The Capacity Reset: five practical steps to build capacity before crisis.

There’s a conversation I keep having after presentations, over a cuppa or while we’re standing around long after an event has finished. People tell me about work, their family or something happening at home, and somewhere along the way they say, “There’s just a lot going on at the moment.”

When we get talking about what “a lot” actually means, there’s usually a fair bit underneath it.

Work hasn’t slowed down, someone at home needs support, money is tight and they can’t remember the last time they woke up feeling rested. The things they used to enjoy have slowly dropped away because there’s always something more urgent, or someone else who needs them.

They’re still turning up and getting things done, so most people probably wouldn’t realise how much effort it’s taking to keep going.

And often, they haven’t stopped to acknowledge it themselves. They’ve been too bloody busy getting through it.

I recognise that because I’ve lived it. It’s why I care so much about what happens before someone reaches breaking point, while there’s still an opportunity to recognise what’s happening and get some support around them.

How much longer can you keep going like this?

When I was farming, there was always something that needed doing, something that needed paying or something outside my control that could change everything. Putting myself last was easy to justify because the responsibilities were real. You can’t explain to the cows that you need a quieter week, and a bill doesn’t disappear because you’re already under pressure.

So I kept going, without properly recognising what it was costing me.

Being a farmer was who I was. So was being a provider and someone who could work his way through a problem. Admitting I was struggling meant questioning the very things I’d built my identity around, and I found that incredibly difficult.

Looking back, I needed someone to ask how I was travelling, and I needed to be able to give them an honest answer. I also needed help to see what was wearing me down, what I could do something about and what I couldn’t keep carrying on my own.

That experience sits underneath my message of Capacity Before Crisis. Because when we’re used to pushing through, we can miss how much our capacity has changed until something we would normally manage becomes too much.

Give yourself a chance to take stock

That’s where the Capacity Reset comes in.

It’s an exercise I previously called my 5x5x5 framework, built around five questions to help you look honestly at how you’re travelling and decide what needs attention.

It won’t make the drought break or fix a relationship. It won’t make an unreasonable workload reasonable. But it can help you recognise what’s happening, where you need support and what you might do next.

Grab a piece of paper, make yourself a cuppa and give yourself a bit of time. You can work through it on your own or talk it through with someone you trust. There’s no prize for finishing quickly, and you don’t need to have all the answers.

1. What is still good in your life?

Start by writing down five things you’re grateful for or proud of.

When there’s a lot going wrong, it can take up most of our attention. We can become so caught up in what needs fixing that we barely notice the things that still bring us connection, enjoyment or a sense of achievement.

It might be someone who keeps checking in, time with your kids or a small moment that gave you a laugh. You might be proud that you finally had a difficult conversation or made an appointment you’d been putting off.

Whatever you write, let it be honest. You can love your family and feel exhausted by everything you’re trying to do for them. Being grateful doesn’t mean you have to pretend you’re coping.

And if you can only think of one thing today, start with that.

2. What is taking more out of you than you’ve acknowledged?

Next, write down five things that are draining your capacity.

Try to get a little further than “work” or “everything”. Is it how much you’re doing, the hours you’re keeping or the feeling that you can never switch off? Is it money, uncertainty, a relationship or a conversation you’ve been putting off because you don’t know how it will go?

Sometimes we become so used to carrying something that we stop noticing its weight. Being constantly available or responsible for everyone else starts to feel normal, even when it’s leaving very little room for us.

Putting it on paper gives you a chance to see the load more clearly. You might realise there’s something you need help with, something you need to stop doing or a demand that needs to change.

Looking after yourself matters, but there are times when the load itself is too much. We need to be honest about that too.

3. Where do you still have some say?

Write down five things you can control or influence.

As a farmer, I spent a lot of time worrying about things I couldn’t change. Weather, prices and decisions made somewhere else all had a say in what happened on our farm. When enough of those things went against me, it became harder to see where I still had any influence.

You might know that feeling.

Take a look at what you’ve written down and ask yourself where there’s room to do something. Could you get advice, ask for clearer priorities at work, share a responsibility or tell someone how things really are?

You may not be able to change the situation today, but you might be able to change how much of it you’re carrying alone.

You don’t need to solve everything to find a useful place to begin.

4. Who can you be honest with?

Now put down five people you could connect with for support.

We tell people to reach out all the time, but when you’re struggling, working out who to call and what to say can feel like another difficult job.

So think about names. Who would listen? Who could offer practical help? Who has experience or knowledge you need? Who could help you find further support?

It might be a mate, someone in your family, a colleague, your GP or a counsellor. Different people can help with different things; one person doesn’t have to carry the whole conversation.

And if you know plenty of people but struggle to think of anyone you could be honest with, that deserves some attention. Being known by everyone isn’t the same as feeling supported.

You don’t have to fill five spaces before you make a call. One trusted person is a place to start.

5. What will you do this week?

Finally, write down five realistic actions you can take.

Make them specific enough that you know what following through looks like. “I need to look after myself” might be true, but it’s easy to lose that intention when the week gets busy. “I’ll ring my GP on Monday” gives you something you can act on.

You might arrange financial advice, ask someone to share a job, make time to catch up with a mate or speak with your manager about what you can realistically get done.

Keep those actions within reach of the capacity you have now. If you’re already overwhelmed, a long list of things you should be doing can leave you feeling worse.

Five is a guide. Choose one manageable action if that’s what you’ve got room for, and give yourself a chance to follow through.

Keep the conversation going

Once you’ve worked through the questions, don’t just fold up the paper and forget about it. Keep it somewhere you’ll see it, tell someone what you’re planning to do and come back to it to see what’s changed.

Did you make the call? Did sharing that responsibility help? Is something still draining you that needs more attention?

You can also use these questions to open a conversation with someone you care about, provided you’re willing to listen to their answers. In a workplace, that means being prepared to look seriously at the demands people are carrying and what needs to change.

At home or in the community, it might help us get past “Let me know if you need anything” and work out what would actually make someone’s week a little easier.

I meet so many people who care deeply about their families, workplaces, clubs and communities. They keep turning up because people depend on them, and I understand the pride and responsibility that come with that.

But I also know how easily looking after everyone else becomes a reason to keep putting yourself off.

You’re part of that family, that workplace and that community too. Your health matters. So does having enough left in you to enjoy the life you’re working so hard to hold together.

Give yourself some time this week to ask these questions honestly. If the answers show you’re carrying more than you realised, let someone in.

You don’t have to wait until you’ve got nothing left before your needs deserve attention.

That’s what Capacity Before Crisis means to me.